PARENTING SKILLS:

Family Meetings

Family meetings provide an opportunity for a round-table discussion in which all members of the family have an equal voice. Children (and their parents) also seem to be grateful for a family ritual that aims to plan for the future and solve problems anyone is having. The family is the most important group anyone will ever belong to. When children know their parents will listen to them and respond to their concerns respectfully, they are encouraged to speak clearly and confidently.

It's easy to start a family meeting. All one must do is purchase a spiral notebook to keep minutes and set a weekly time and date. Members of the family can take turns keeping the notes from each meeting. Also, family members can add items to an agenda during the week to discuss at the weekly meeting.

It will also foster a sense of equality if each member of the family can have a chance to chair the meeting, which involves call to order, keeping the group focused on the agenda, etc.

Families can decide on a structure for the meetings. For instance, one way to start the meeting is for each member to make a short gratitude list from the previous week, reporting things that pleased them. Next, the family can decide on a dinner menu for the coming week. (This helps organize the shopping list and reduces the number of complaints about what's for dinner.) Next, anyone with an issue to discuss with the family can take the floor to present their complaint, request, etc. and start a family discussion that will solve an individual or family problem. Finally, the family can review schedules for the coming week. Some families use the meeting time as a way to pass out allowance. In these cases, it will probably foster more cooperation if the allowance is distributed before the meeting, rather than after; it reduces the chances of someone thinking their time is bought, or that they are blackmailed into sitting for the meeting in order to get allowance.

Keeping minutes provides a permanent record of problems and solutions that clarifies what people have agreed to do, and serves to reduce arguements in the future.

A great topic for an initial family meeting is to determine a Family Mission Statement for the family. Members of the family can discuss what they think the family values are, and how they can express the values through unified action. For instance, if the family agrees that caring for the environment is important to them, they can agree to volunteer for a cleanup project, donate money as a family to an environmental cause, etc. The Mission Statement can represent a goal to work toward, and teach the value of progress rather than the expectation of perfection. When there are disagreements between family members, the Mission Statement can be referred back to: any member of the group can gently ask "Will this help us move toward the Goal we as a family wanted?" 

The Family Mission Statement may depend on the ages of children in the family. Some issues may be too complex or abstract for younger children to find meaningful. Families with small children may value caring for the environment; going to a museum to learn about environmental issues may be a more realistic goal then deciding to help clean up a polluted river.

Families with teenage children can begin a discussion detailing what kind of family they want when they grow up and how they can creat one, or how the family will handle issues relating to substance abuse, etc.

It is important to remember that Family Meeting attendance is voluntary, and family members may chose not to attend. Each family can develop their own way to respond to non-attenders; acceptance and respect of others' personal choice is a good place to start.

Family Meetings can help a child learn HOW to think, rather than teaching them WHAT to think. Remember, the primary goal of parenting is to put yourself out of a job!