by Char Wenc

Children need to feel needed.

When children feel they have a place in the family, they are more likely to become contributing members. Respectful, responsible contribution to the group helps children become responsible adults. But DO NOT expect them to be cheerful about helping. My children weren't. DO expect them to help regardless of their negative feelings -- and please -- have the courage to permit natural, and give logical consequences to help children realize that they need to carry out their responsibilities.

Responsibility is not merely taught. First it is given, then it is learned. Allowing children to make choices is one way to give them responsiblity.

Choice allows children to recognize freedom and allows them to be independent. The ability to make choices gives children a sense of responsibility and empowerment (this combination leads to courage!). Allowing children to experience the consequences of their choices will teach them the inevitable sequence of cause and effect.

A wonderful tool to use in parenting is the conditional phrase. It teaches prioritizing and understanding of order. For example, I love to tell children, "When your homework is finished, then you can watch television. When your room is cleaned, then you can go out to play."

Routines are an important part of teaching responsibility. They help define boundaries and help create feelings of security. Bedtime routines that include washing, brushing, and pajamas help children prepare for sleep, just as washing, brushing, dressing, and breakfast in the morning prepare children to meet the day ahead. Routine allows us to teach our children to be responsible through foreknowledge of consequences. For instance, if my son fails to come home for dinner on time, it means that he has chosen to miss the meal.

In a democratic family, choices help children accept responsibility for their actions and their decisions. Autocratic parenting teaches children what to think; democratic parenting teaches children how to think. If children make choices their parents know will lead to problems, they can say, "I am sorry you made that choice," and allow their children to experience the consequences of their actions. This is often difficult to do. Parents must remember that children's misbehavior is their choice, not ours. To shield them from the natural and logical consequences is to rob them of a precious learning experience. To allow them to experience consequences with no anger and lots of respect is powerful.

Younger children can be given limited choices as a way to practice making decisions. "Would you like Wheaties or Cheerios? Would you like your eggs scrambled or fried?" I remember one of my sons at age five walking around the house with his fingers in his ears saying, "Choices, choices, I hate choices." I think he was telling me he did not want to be responsible for his own actions. Sometimes, children would like us to be responsible and make choices for them, because it is easier on them.

Think how powerful this training is in our world today. Taking responsibility for our own actions and choices makes the world operate with greater social interest and integrity.